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I’d avoid ‘negotiating’ with sex because there are some people that would sell their mama or at least sell you a big dream and a fake persona to get you into bed.
If you’re the type of person that values your sexual interactions and struggles with the discovery phase and sleeping together, slow yourself down and don’t have sex until you can manage the two.
After a date or few, you sleep together and feel like there’s an amazing ‘connection’.
Over the coming weeks and months you notice a pattern – after loads of calls/texts/emails and off the chains sex initially, it’s slipped into a territory where you don’t really know where you stand. One night, lying there in the afterglow of another good ‘seeing to’, you tentatively ask what the score is, or mention a forthcoming event that you’d like them to come to with you.
You want to progress things and there is a niggling concern that they’re using you for sex, although you really don’t want to see it this way.
Every time these thoughts creep in, you remind yourself of when you were laughing a few weeks ago, or when you they talked about stuff they’d like to do with you (but have made no moves to), or when they said that they really enjoy your company.
Like you’re helpless to a shag machine and that you don’t have any say in what does and doesn’t happen and like you don’t need to read any hints because there’s nudity involved.
You should be asking “Why are we still sleeping together if they have shown or communicated their disinterest or have shown or communicated that they don’t want the relationship that I’ve said that I want?
You think they’re funny, clever, witty, they embody all of the physical qualities that you like, and seem to share a few of your common interests and possess a similar outlook.
Not only are sexual organs poor judges of character, but sex should never be used as a basis for working out what the hell is going on in your relationship – if you’re defaulting to sex, it’s because it’s lacking on other fronts.
It’s very difficult to gauge someone’s true character and intent immediately – time and experience demonstrates this.
To be fair though, I receive thousands of emails each year from readers who are told all manner of variations of “I don’t want a relationship” or “I’m unavailable” or “I’m not interested/a jackass”…and they ignore it. Because they focus on the action and think “Well we’re having sex, they still text me, and we have so much fun together so obviously they do want a relationship.” No they don’t – actions and words must match. So many people ask me “Why are they still having sex with me then?
” ‘Having’ is like implying like you have nothing to do with it.